The real deal!

To say that this week has been interesting would be an understatement.  The emotions that I personally felt, were not emotions that I even anticipated having.  Every time I looked in the mirror this last weekend, I would cry.  Cry for a few reasons..For the little girl in my care, her hurts, wounds, unknown thoughts, etc,  for the 38 year old woman who has never had a child in her care for more than 8 hours (well aside from the teenager years ago, but that is a different situation, kinda) and had no clue how to give up her alone time and share it with a child that needs attention.  Ack!  I went into this knowing that is what she would need, right!?  Of course. Tears for the question deep within me, "do I really want to do this".  My clear answer kept popping up though when that thought would cross my mind...YES, yes I do want to do this. Yes it is a MASSIVE adjustment, but I am here to help a girl know what love, acceptance, grace, compassion, forgiveness, etc is all about.  Wow can you imagine the adjustment and emotions she is feeling if I as an adult that has learned to cope am/was feeling this way?! The support of the people in my life is just beyond awesome!  I can't even express how people have stepped up to comfort my crazy emotions and ask how I am doing during a random hour in the day...thank you!   The thing I didn't ever think too much about is, parents deal with this on a daily basis.  They are given 9 months to prepare for the baby, have this sweet loved baby that they get to raise the baby into an infant, to toddler, etc.  That is a blessing that I will never get to understand as a bio parent.  But I do get to take on a 10 year old who DIDN'T get that love, affection, adoration, etc. So I have 10 years to work with and do my best to hope and pray she can grow to be a young lady that can love abundantly!!   I picked her up (I don't know the exact rules about putting her name in public like this, so I won't for now, we shall call her Marie), so I picked up Marie last Saturday...nerves were very high!  My life was about to change forever!!  When she got into the car, she told me she was freaking out and I told her I was too and together we are going to do this journey.  She smiled.  We went shopping to pick her up some things that she was going to need around here, some clothes and shoes (she came with a hamper full of clothes and a couple pairs of shoes that were completely worn out).  She also got spoiled by some friends, they gave her a bunch of clothes as well...so her closet is full!  She has 3 best friends so far and loving everyone that she is meeting.  She is feeling full of love for sure.  The week was good, emotional (for me and I am sure for her also), early mornings, full days, etc.  Her counselor walked her to my car after school one day to tell me that she notices a difference in her this week, that she seems happier.  She had been attending a school about 15 minutes from here (I can appreciate all you parents who deal with traffic and school traffic on a daily!!!!).  I was successful in getting her transferred to the school down the street from the house and starts there Monday.  She is nervous but looking forward to a fresh start and meeting kids in the neighborhood. The weekend will be full of fun and friends and some down time.  I know I need down time and going to bed last night (Friday) was probably the highlight of my week!  Hers too I think.  We are both looking forward to having fun this weekend with people that we love (and faces she has yet to meet). Getting used to parenting is a tough adjustment for me.  I am sure some of you may be rolling your eyes about that because parenting is all you know which I admire you.  Imagine for a second to have a quiet life, do whatever you want, when you want, etc...only looking out for yourself and animals and then go straight into caring for a 10 year old.  Not just any 10 yo, one who has been pulled from her home, away from everything she knows, her siblings (4 of the 6 of them are still at home)..imagine for a second the behavior that comes from a child like that. It's not like I have taken in a child that has been loved for 10 years..so this week has been full of emotions for me.  She has been exposed to things that a 10 year old shouldn't be...shows that I wouldn't even watch, music that isn't appropriate, youtube videos that are full of violence, we are working on keeping her a 10 year old and keeping appropriate stuff in her life right now.   So anyone reading this going into the foster journey, know the emotions that come along the first week are real and you may not even realize what is about to hit you.  BUT know this...the job of being a foster parent is real! They need us more than we can even fathom!!! What a perfect email that I received right before picking up my little foster daughter, though I didn't even read it until a week later.  Ohhh how I can resonate with this.   It’s Okay to be Uncomfortable  “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love” (1 John 4:18). My darling, I am not in the fear. I am in a new place, a separate place outside of it. Step away, with Me. There is refreshment here. A new place to stand. There is room to move, to breathe, to spread your arms wide, hands open, fingers stretched, head relaxed. I have work for you to do with Me, yes. We will go and I will push you to lean on Me and trust Me and do things uncomfortable for you to do alone. But you don’t go alone, my dear. And when you are with Me in the place that could feel so uncomfortable and stress-filled, on your own—when you depend on your own strength, when you look to yourself for answers—you can rest and relax in my presence. You can head out into new territory with Me and not feel scared. Sometimes I don’t tell you why it is I’ve asked for you to go to a place with Me. And that can feel uncomfortable, too. I know how you like answers. But don’t not go to this new place with Me because fear grabs hold of your heart. Don’t let fear paralyze this girl-amazing-woman whom I love and adore so that fear is more powerful than this truth: I am here with you, holding your hand, not leaving your side. I am enough. My presence is enough. Where I take you is enough. You are free here, in this place with Me, outside of fear and no longer trapped. Stand up straight, girl. Stand up. You are not made to cower and fret and wring your hands. You are made to walk with eyes up, head held high, so you can see the path I take you. Together we go, just one step at a time, and into territory that may be unknown but will be safe and familiar too . . . because I will be there. And I am your home.