Emotions running high!

I hesitate focusing on negativity in my life, 99% of the time and writing this blog is no different, however blog is about being real and sharing my experience with what is going on so that people in my life know the latest and for others that stubmle across this in hopes to be a foster parent gain knowledge and understanding.  If you have been or are a step parent you can relate with all this I am sure...parenting someone elses child, especially ones that have trauma, is REALLY hard. It is really no different with the exception that there isn't any coparenting so you are left with the burden AND joy of recreating habits, thinking patterns, boundaries, discipline, etc alone.  Can you believe I can't even get her hair cut though?  The parents are holding on to their last bit of control of her..so whenever they are ready to release, that may be the first thing we go do! That and pierce her ears!

Over the last few weeks since I last posted, there have been some changes in our life and a lot of emotional ups and downs.  It is clear that she is growing more comfortable in my home and with that, comes a lot of behavioral stuff.  Different behavior spikes every other day so the emotional spikes that I go through daily are no joke and pretty unexplainable.  So if you are part of my support team, simply listenting and validating my fears, frustrations, joys, disappointments, tears and laughter is SO appreciated.  I take in advice and use what fits us here, I read Parenting with Love and Logic at record speed and using that daily with her is great.  Teaching her to make decisions and also natural consequences is amazing and I pray it helps her with more postive decisions rather than negative moving forward.  She consistently tests and attempts to push boundaries but I keep them firm in place and we are able to talk through them together and she seems to understand, time will tell.

We had friends and family in town 2 weekends in a row so that was great for her to be witness to more healthy relationships, healthy love and healthy attention. For her to see that she is accepted and loved for who she is has been so paramount for her...that is not something she has been subject to in almost 11 years.

This weeks supervised Mom visit was one for the record books for me personally.  When I drop her off, normally the therapist meets us outside to grab her and go in so that I don't have to meet Mom (I am not ready for that).  Well her sister was with the therapist (that will happen every other week) and she commented "yes I remember you, you are the one that took her away from me"...without batting an eye my response was "I am keeping her safe and warm for you, I hope that is ok".  Then as I am pulling away I see Dad dropping Mom off at the front door where we all were, awkward!  Dad was trying to catch a glimpse of me but I simply looked straight ahead and kept driving.  As I pulled away that day, I broke down into tears.  Sometimes I just need a hug, hold me tight and please don't ask what is wrong...I just want a silent bear hug and space to cry if needed (hint, next time you see me:).   When I picked her up, the sister hopped in the car and said she was coming with us...obviously that isn't happening.  On our way home, my girl asked if her sister could come live with us, I knew it was only a matter of time before that happened.  But my response was simply, "we have to trust that God has this handled for your sister also.  I am not able to take her in, I need to take care of you."  Her and her sister do not get along and can only be together in a therapy setting...in case you are wondering why this isn't a consideration.

That evening the caseworker and my foster agency case manager came over for their monthly visit. Along with them came another woman whos job is to be additional support for my girl and I.  THANK YOU JESUS!  When I started this, I thought "oh I have got this...we are ok".  Nope, this is required, I repeat..you can not do this without a full support team!!!!  The team asked me what else I needed, the only thing I can think of is a night here and there to myself.  I am sure you parents are thinking "yea don't we all"...well those of you co parenting, please keep in mind you probably do get a night to yourself or at least have the option if you are at your wits end about about to go bat shit stir crazy.  I don't want to hear the piano (she loves piano lessons!), Disney channel, can I have a snack, what do I do now, do I really have to take a bath, what is for dinner, etc for just a couple hours one or two evenings a month lol.  No really, that is all I can think that I need at this point.  So if any of you reading this are up for that, just let me know!  It is sooo hard for me to ask for help, that is not something I am accustomed to but really trying to get better at that.  In my mind I am planning a quiet getaway for 2 nights...it makes me happy to think of when I might be able to do that.  I should have utilized my alone time more when I had it lol.  She doesn't like when I talk about going to do things here and there without her, so it is good to see she is attached to me, but now I need to work on healthy attachment and boundaries.

Overall she is doing great!  Behavior changes but I know that is because she is feeling more comfortable.  School work, we are working on together, we read together, she loves piano lessons and talks about wanting to do horseback lessons.  I have requested a new CASA or the one she has to step up a bit more to be more consistent with her because I truly believe that will also make a huge difference in her confidence.  The caseworker is great, despite the ugly stories I have heard sbout caseworkers...we both really love ours! 

January 17th, I go to a family meeting, that is held every 90 days.  They just had one Thursday but I was only able to call in for 45 minutes while we all update about my kiddo. So I didn't get to hear the rest but it didn't sound like anything was accomplished, just an update on all the children and family.  So in January it will be myself, the caseworker, her supervisor, their attorney, the kinship providers for her sisters, the attorneys for all the children, the Mom and Dad, their attorney and all the therapists.  This should be interesting.  I am so happy that is 3 months away, I think I will be ready for that.

At times when I ask myself why I am doing this, holy crap this is hard, I don't know what to do with this behavior, etc...I am quickly reminded by my soul and by others around me that I was called to do this, I am built for this and this little girl needs me.  I wouldn't change a thing to be perfectly honest.  The caseworker brought up permanency again this week so that is something for me to consider, pray, think, talk about.  So I started listening to some foster parents podcast and I gained this from it...just exactly what I needed to hear:
"Am I looking for peace or looking to BE peace for a child in my home. There is no promise that doing the right thing is ever going to make me happy, feel comfortable or feel better, quite possible the opposite of that at times, but doing the right thing is the right thing to do always. Putting others first and really that means the children that come into our lives.  Their story is more important than mine, because they are still trying to handle and tell their story, I have lived and dealt with mine. I am realizing that the opportunity to parent is the opportunity to self sacrifice, daily.  It's not about what child fits into my life, it's how I can make life fit for what this child needs.  What commitment am I capable of vs what commitment is needed and how can I make myself able to commit."  It is so awesome to hear things right when you need to!!

As I sit here this morning, finishing this blog, I feel a massive amount of peace in my heart and soul.  I love this child, not because she is mine but because she is Gods child and she needs me and I do know this, I have what it takes to give it to her, to love her and guide her.  Sure it is going to be hard as hell some days and I know that this is probably the hardest thing I will ever do...but I wouldn't change a thing.