Just checking in

The last 6 weeks have been really good!  Leaving for the weekend in January was the best thing that I could have done for myself and my girl.  I was to the point of breaking at that point and I know she felt it, we have even talked about it recently and how glad we both are to see this massive emotional shift in us both.   We get along great and I have a renewed compassion and empathy for her stuff when she talks to me... unless it has to do with 11 year old pre hormonal girl drama and talking about boys, that stuff is really annoying. Sorry Dad LOL.   We are able to have some good conversations and I recognize her ability to talk about her emotions and she is starting to be able to shuffle through the emotions, meaning she knows how to recognize if she is hurt, sad, mad, frustrated, etc.  Where as before she had no clue.  I praise her often about how I see how much she is growing up and emotionally doing so well.  She agrees and really enjoys this new way of emotionally living!  

This last week was rough for her at school.  She was down in the dumps feeling like what happened to her was her fault and worried that she will never go home to Mom again.  She was weepy, disruptive in class, crying a lot and sounds like a bit disrespectful, all of this was at school. Here at home things were good so getting these updates was surprising and out of nowhere.  But we were all pretty clear about why, because she told us why!!  And last night we had a talk, and I really praised her for getting through a rough emotional week without doing anything to harm herself.  Instead she walked through it in a different way that was a bit more productive.  I am sure some of you are wondering how that behavior at school is more productive, please just trust me when I tell you that the whole team is really happy about that behavior rather than the things she was doing before.  So this is a win!!  Yay!  The fact that last night she had tears in her eyes and told me why her week was rough and that she was surprised, relieved and so happy that she made it through the week without doing anything reckless.  If you know this girl, you are reading this and hopefully feeling the happiness that I am.  I am so proud of her to continue to walk this tough road, with her head high, dramatic pre teen yes, but she is rocking this trauma path as best as she can!

In the last couple of months, there have been some pretty significant ah ha moments for me that have shifted me in a big way.  A couple that I am willing to share here is, to be able to ask for help.  By asking for help it really allows her and I to get what we need and shows her that it is ok to ask for help. Of course I am showing her that independance is a good thing and we don't need to rely on others to take care of us, as adults. But there is surely a time and place to ask for help and to be open to the help that is offered freely.  I grew up with the mentality that, oh I have got this...I don't need anyone to take care of me which I feel in turn has put a significant wall up for others around me to not feel the need to offer help because I put on this front of "I don't need your help.  If I do, I will ask for it".  I am breaking that wall down and it feels really good!  I am a work in progress so this will take more work.  39 years of living this way is a lot to reverse, but the awareness of it and being open, honest and able to work on it is huge. 

One of the other ah ha, was the lesson to listen with compassion, to not get defensive and ultimately how to shut the hell up and listen!  I don't always have to have an answer or solution and it is really frustrating to be the reciever of that so I can only imagine how it makes a child feel..."oh boy, what is she going to say now" lol!  She has noticed this shift in me and we do talk about this and I share how important it is to recognize these things within ourselves and truly work on them.  Don't acknowledge, dismiss and move on...it's all about acknowledge, recognize the action and commit to working through it to make necessary changes to allow the free flow of communication and emotions.  Putting up walls so that people are afraid to talk to you is not a healthy way to live and I am so thankful for what I am learning with her in my life. 

Being able to submit to a child and say sorry, and acknowledge when I am in the wrong has been life moving for me!  I cried one day in church knowing that I needed to apologize to her for my crabby attitude that I was taking out on her. So after service I did just that. "I am so sorry for the way I have been talking to you today, there is obviously something on my heart that I need to deal with and it isn't fair for me to take it out on you", she says oh it's ok and my response was "thank you but it isn't ok and that is why we are talking about it.  I want to take ownership when I am wrong.  So again I am sorry and I am working on that".  Uffda!  HUGE lessons for me and I can only hope and pray she remembers these as she grows up once she is back home or whatever is next for her.

The next couple months are going to be emotional for her.  I am not sure when she will hear this update, originally that was set for mid March but it might be pushed back to April.  The courts are seeking termination of parental rights (TPR), but at the same time Mom is really starting to show improvement so this will be confusing for her and I can't imagine how she will feel.  I have asked friends that are close in our lives to be ready and available to help pour into her.  If we, as a tribe, can pour into her and get her through this next phase without self harm...massive success!  I can't imagine getting such news as a kid so I can only imagine this will bring up a lot for her but I think she is emotionally strong enough to hear it soon so we can start talking and working through that.     

So there you have it!  I feel like for the first time since she moved in that I can really be positive with my update and I really owe it to self care, time for reflection, awareness and working on myself alongside her.  Please continue to keep us in your prayers. :)