Emotions run high

It's been a minute since I posted on here.  Overall things seems calm, such a drastic change from the first 5 months right?!  This journey has taught me a lot about myself, being responsible for another human, putting my selfish needs on the backburner and also attachment. This girl will hopefully someday understand what she has done to my heart and soul.  Lately I cry a lot and I am so thankful for my friends that listen and allow me to process through my emotions.  Sometimes I cry over the smallest thing that doesn't make sense but deep down I know what is going on...the attachment I have to this girl is about to change.  To see the changes she has made within herself, blows me away, that a kid so young could grow so fast.  Those of you that know her and knew her in Sept can see it even.  She has blown me away with growth.  I have been so adament this whole time about, "I am ready for her to go, I can't do this"...the truth is, I don't know what I am going to do with myself when she leaves.  Obviously my old routine will set back in and that is ok, but a peice of my heart will forever be changed.  And I may cry more for a while so I thank all of you in advance that will hold space for me while I do so.

I find out this week (more than likely) when they plan to move her back home to Moms.  A lot has gone on with that since the last time I posted.  Mom continues to grow (I think) and 2 of the 4 kids are home with her.  The 3rd officially moves in the end of July.  My girl had her first sleepover with them this weekend and I was so lonesome with her gone (I have been having a lot of breaks so I didn't feel like I needed one this weekend).  She came home happy and all seemed fine emotionally but at the end of the night, something that normally wouldn't have set her off, did.  See, Mom does her best and has a job where she cleans restaurants from 1-5am...she takes all the kids with her!?  I was furious when I found out but quickly realized that is none of my business.  I will let the team know and if they are ok with it, there is nothing I can do about it.  But seriously, is it ok for an 11 year old to stay up a whole night?  Not even a little.  That gives you a little insight to where she is moving.  Even though Mom is doing her best, I have to release this child into a very unhealthy, unstable, chatic home and that doesn't sit well with me, but I have no choice.  Reunication is a beautiful thing and as long as the kids are safe, that is what I have (forced by the county) to be ok with.  I think that is mostly why I am so emotional latetly, knowing this 11 year old has come so far..only to be put in a very unhealthy environment and it's completely out of my control.  Another lesson about me, there is so much out of my control and I have to let it go.

She got to experience Royal Family Kids Camp...AH MA ZING!  She spent 5 days with 38 foster kids and amazing staff/counselors.  That was an experience of a lifetime to say the least.  When I showed up to pick her up (I got a call and needed to come get her early because she kept throwing up, she was so emotional, not the flu), all the kids were crying.  Not like weeping, but a lot of ugly crying.  But can you imagine, being a kid that for whatever reason you are taken from your family and put with strangers, surrounded by "normal" kids...finally a place to come together and share  your story and build bonds bigger than any of us "normal" people could imagine.  Bless all of their sweet hearts. These kids are so lost and broken and may they find the strength to carry on through their lives and live in a healthy way.

This week she got to experience another American holiday, she wasn't as thrilled as I thought she would be lol.  She thought "it was cool and loud".  But at the end of the night she volunteered herself to go to bed.  So she has literally spent a year with a white lady, experiencing all the holidays she might not ever get the opportunity to.  So the memories with her continue, I have a short time left with her in my home and I will make the best of it.  People keep telling me that I am strong and it takes someone special to do what I have done for her and I agree, I am finally willing to take those words to heart rather than brush them off.  I don't feel strong right now (because of my emotions) but I know it was strength and love that got me through the year with her and yes I feel special that I got to walk alongside this precious being and help her feel loved, show her what love, boundaries, healthy attachment and accountability is.

Stay tuned because the next update will more than likely be about her actual transition home. Thank you all for your continued support, much love!!

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