Transitioning

I have been very emotional over the last 4-6 weeks as the transition approached.  I allowed so much to get the best of me and sometimes not in a good way.  I allowed my emotions to push me to say and act in insecure ways and I now know it was just my internal way of "dealing" with the unknown and major change that was unfolding.  I am confident that this journey has pushed me to grow in ways that I never would have and I am confident that I am a light in the world and allowing my emotions to dim that light, has been eye opening!

Emotionally this is hard for a lot of reasons, but the biggest is watching her go from having the space to grow emotionally, mentally and physically, having her own quiet space to complete chaos, no boundaries, lack of supervision and unhealthy messages all around.  I can't help but be concerned for her continued growth.  But I have to trust that seeds were planted and pray that someday these messages and lessons will push and allow her to grow again.  I did what I was called to do and that was to love and support a young girl that needed me.

She has come so far since she moved in with me 11 months ago! From being completely self destructive in many ways, reaching for attention in unhealthy ways, creating drama out of thin air just to get reactions (ok this still happens BUT on a way smaller scale) to being able to express her emotions in a healthy way, crying and talking about what she needs and for the most part even expressing her pain rather than showing it through drama.

She was so upset one night, the slightest thing triggered her and after talking with her for 5 minutes the real issue came out..she told me she didn't want to go home.  It takes her a bit to get to realize why she is emotionally reacting, but at least now she can get there.

The whole team is worried about her returning home but we want to give Mom a chance.  She has done a lot of growing herself so we want to give her the opportunity to have her kids back.  We worry about her oldest sister.  She is very manipulative, dominating and tends to over power Mom.  She bullies the kids and the other sister tends to follow suit. So we are all encouraing my girl to be brave, use her voice and stand up for herself in those situations.

In the past few weeks after her overnights, I had noticed disrespectful comments that she has made over here...more in the last month than in the last year.  I continue to call her out and tell her they are not funny, she claims she is trying to be funny, but making fun of people in no way lifts them up and in the long run only hurts them. Hopefully she lets go of that someday.

The partying we did for 5 days straight was completely exhausting on all levels.  My body was physically starting to feel like it was falling apart!  We had so much fun though and loved every minute and wouldn't change a thing.  She left this house feeling loved and supported!!!

Sunday packing up her things was emotional for us both, we cried and hugged a lot.  The the day had arrived, where we take all her belongings and drop her off at Moms, yes she will still come here on the weekends...the first 2 for sure then after that it is up to them how often, she had made the comment to her friend and I that she just wants to be with Mom, that was a hard thing to hear but I had to remind myself that it isn't about me.  It is about a broken family that wants to be together again.  I cried so hard leaving her at her Moms, I couldn't even drive, I had to have the social worker (now my friend) drive, while her friend sat in the back seat holding my hand.  I honestly didn't expect to get so sad leaving her but a peice of my heart is now in that place that I have to trust is being taken care of.  I have to let go, walk away and trust her journey. 

Thank you all for your continued love, prayers and support.  This journey has been so hard and last night as I took time for myself, every time I would look in the mirror I would get tears and think to myself "I did it"...It is so hard to believe how far her and I have come and so bittersweet for her to be gone.  The journey is far from over!!!  Love you all!

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